


even if i love again, i only want you

by BSKPRNT (miyuraxx)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Mutual Break Up, Seungkwan-centric, What Have I Done, broken wonboo, im sorry, semi-fluff, they deserve better, they're both tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27135359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miyuraxx/pseuds/BSKPRNT
Summary: Why is it so hard to talk to the person that you’re supposed to be most comfortable with?
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan & Jeon Wonwoo, Boo Seungkwan/Jeon Wonwoo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	even if i love again, i only want you

**Author's Note:**

> it's me again with a rather long one-shot :>> the wonboo drought continues and so this happened. not proofread, prolly not make sense at all, will definitely edit this ;-;
> 
> \+ the title is from a line of seungkwan's cover of i hope! pls listen to it!  
> ++ songs that i've listened to while writing this; forsake (seungkwan's cover), already gone, let me be the one, and fell out of love  
> +++ thank you and have fun reading this ??? i guess ~  
> ++++ there are flashbacks in between so i hope you won't be confused T___T  
> +++++LET'S BE FRIENDS ON TWITTER @BOOSKWY T____T

_“Would you move in with me, soul?”_

_Seungkwan held back his tears that started to swell up. Unable to form the proper words, he hugged Wonwoo while nodding his head._

_Wonwoo smiled and returned the hug to the younger. He will take it as an answer._

* * *

Empty. Dull. Gray.

Seungkwan walks into the place they call home. The lights are all off except the one in their kitchen. He looks around looking for a sign of life and confirms it himself that he’s alone. Again. Tired from his shift at the hospital, he makes his way to the kitchen and cook a meal for two. After cooking, he showered and opted to wait for his boyfriend at their couch.

At this time of the night, where the moon shines elegantly on the sky, busy streets starting to quiet down, and overall air is peaceful, one can’t help but to sit down and think. Seungkwan tries to tone down his mind. His thoughts are getting ahead of him again and god, he’s so tired, and thinking unnecessary things doesn’t help.

_What happened? Where did it go wrong? Is it supposed to be this painful?_

He looks at the wall clock near their door. 11:30 PM. No calls, no messages, no heads up.

12 AM.

12:30 AM.

1 AM.

1:15 AM.

1:30 AM.

2 AM.

Long agonizing hours.

He waits until his dinner is forgotten, he waits until he feels drowsy, he waits until Wonwoo comes home.

Just when he’s about to sleep, he hears the door click. Sleepily, he adjusted himself to sit and waits patiently for the man he’s been waiting for a few hours now.

“Have you eaten your dinner?”, small and quiet voice fills the room. Seungkwan hopes Wonwoo doesn’t notice the way his voice falters.

“I already did. Long day at work today because of a new client and I’ve decided to grab dinner with them. How about you?”, Wonwoo says as he removes his coat and tie. The younger just looks at him, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

“I-yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t wait for you.”

“It’s okay. I already ate too, don’t worry.”, _why? Why can’t Wonwoo spare a look at him?_

“Uhm-, you-, uh-”, Seungkwan fumbles for words.

_Why is it so hard to talk to the person that you’re supposed to be most comfortable with?_

“Hm? Are you okay?”, finally, Wonwoo looks at him. Just not the look that he is expecting. Still.

“N-nothing. I know you’re tired already. Go to bed, I’ll follow soon.”, he gathers his entire strength and smile. “Goodnight, soul.”

“Goodnight, Seungkwan.”

Without another word, Wonwoo goes into their bedroom.

And if Wonwoo doesn’t look at him like before or calls him like he does. Seungkwan didn’t ask.

_Seungkwan’s thoughts lulls him to sleep. Wonwoo wakes up to a dinner for two._

_This doesn’t feel like home anymore._

* * *

It’s finally his break time. His shift tears him away from his feelings. And he thought about it. He’s busy because of his internship, and Wonwoo is also busy, from his work and he knows how much effort and sacrifices that his boyfriend made just to become a lawyer.

They’re both busy and time for each other couldn’t come as easy as before.

With 30 minutes left for his break, he went down to get a cup of coffee near the hospital.

“Intern Boo? Someone sent these for you.”, the receptionist says as he was about to go out.

_Huh? He doesn’t remember ordering for a coffee and a cheesecake._

He takes a look at the small card attached on the box of the cake. And it made him instantly smile.

_Soul,_

_I’m sorry. Please take this and eat it heartfully._

_I love you._

_Your Soul._

Seungkwan hearts flutters. Like it was the first time his boyfriend sent something to him.

What’s Wonwoo apologizing for, he doesn’t know. But at least this gave him a little bit of hope that everything will be okay between them.

* * *

_Wonwoo was still waiting for him. In this cold snowy night, Wonwoo was standing there alone, smiling sweetly, as if Seungkwan was the only one he needed to survive._

_Seungkwan heart throbbed. Maybe he’s in love with him too, after all._

* * *

Days turn weeks, weeks turn months.

Time flies fast but everything is still the same.

_It’s like an unspoken argument. A cold war where both are not winning._

The routine of them not seeing each other for almost the whole day, rarely text messages, unanswered calls, them living under the same roof but feels like a miles apart, and sharing the same bed but faces each other’s back immediately becomes the norm.

Seungkwan reads the card that was sent along with his usual coffee.

He knew when it started but he doesn’t know the reason behind it. With all the changes in their life and relationship, it also became a constant sending of cards and letters. All for apologizing and thank you’s.

_What are they apologizing for? Not having enough time for each other? Personal reasons? Or maybe the guilt that they know what’s going on yet pretending everything is fine. As if their love wouldn’t shatter easily._

Seungkwan can’t help but to ask himself; _do they still love each other? Does he still love Wonwoo?_

* * *

Answers to his questions came fast like the wind.

While cleaning his part of the closet, a medium-sized chocolate colored box gains his attention. He gets it and dust it off lightly. _Oh. It’s a memory box._

Seungkwan slowly opens the box and held his breathe. Kept there are all the token of everything he deemed special. Every single thing in there screams Wonwoo.

He softly opens the confession letter that Wonwoo gave to him.

* * *

_To the one who shines brighter than the sun,_

_… I don’t have enough courage as of now to confess properly to you, but I hope this letter can convey at least half of what I’m feeling. Ever since I met you, you never left my mind, you effortlessly imprinted yourself in my heart…._

_… If given a chance, I will make sure everyday will feel like forever. Make sure you are being loved, appreciated, and valued. Because that’s what you deserve…._

_… You are perfect in my eyes and I’m far from what you are entitled to have. But I can’t see myself not being with you, away from you…_

_… Through this letter, I hope you understand what you truly mean to me. I thank God everyday for letting me meet you. Boo Seungkwan, I love you…_

_Patient and sincere,_

_Jeon Wonwoo_

* * *

He clutches the letter to his chest. Memories of them being happy floods his mind and he tries to get rid the lump in his throat as he opens the photo album.

* * *

xx/02/xxxx

_First date!!_

_“Soul! Let’s take a picture! It’s our first date after all.”, Wonwoo grabbed Seungkwan’s arm and positioned himself at the younger’s back. The stranger that he asked to take picture awkwardly counts to three._

_“One!”_

_“Hey! I’m not ready yet! And I told you to stop calling me soul.”, the smaller of the two tried to remove the hands around him like a back hug but Wonwoo persisted._

_“Two!”_

_“But you’re my soul.”, Wonwoo whispered softly in his ears, and Seungkwan can feel the smile on the other’s face as he said those words._

_“Three. Smile!”_

And that’s how that picture turned out. Embarrassed and flushed Seungkwan and a grinning idiot Wonwoo.

* * *

xx/24/xxxx

_YES!! Soulmates forever~_

_Seungkwan kept thinking about what he should do later when Wonwoo picks him up. It’s been three months since Wonwoo asked for permission to court him and he’d be lying if he says he doesn’t feel anything towards the older throughout those months. Tonight, he is going to give him an answer._

_This wasn’t part of the plan. It’s already 10 PM and his lab classes just ended. He fucked up. Seungkwan wasn’t going to be surprised if Wonwoo didn’t wait for him._

_It’s snowing, it’s freezing cold, and Seungkwan didn’t give a heads up that his dismissal will be late. Mentally noting to apologize to the older, he headed out of their building. There he saw Wonwoo. And suddenly he’s sure of everything._

_He ran, not minding the slippery road, and hugged Wonwoo from behind. The taller faced him and from his adrenaline or maybe his overflowing feelings, Seungkwan cupped Wonwoo’s face and gave him a soft kiss. He felt the other smiled and that made Seungkwan bursts into tears._

_“So, are we together now?”, Wonwoo said as he pressed their foreheads together._

_“I love you, soul.”_

* * *

For the memories, they took a photo. Seungkwan smiling brightly at the camera and Wonwoo looking at him as if he was the one who painted the stars on the sky.

He still loves him. Seungkwan still loves Wonwoo very much. It didn’t change, only grew. The tears welled from the inside pours out. His chest hurts so much he can’t control his sobs.

The questions that are slowly ruining him went away. The walls he’s unconsciously building around him breaks down as he realizes what’s before him.

_He still loves Wonwoo. And he doesn’t think it will change soon._

* * *

Determined to fix their relationship and find out what’s the real problem between them, Seungkwan asked Wonwoo if they can meet for lunch. It’s been a while since they’ve eaten together. He patiently waits for the older’s reply and a frown escapes on his face.

He can’t go. Meetings.

Seungkwan decides to just meet him at their house to have their talk. He’s willing to give Wonwoo everything that he’ll ask for.

Getting lunch for himself, he notices a man that looks like his boyfriend. Looks like he’s with his client. He decided to approach Wonwoo after the meeting and just eat lunch for the meantime.

Wonwoo didn’t notice him even though their table are just beside each other. Seungkwan waits for his order as he overhears the conversation between his boyfriend and his client.

“You like taking pictures too, right?”, he hears the other guy asked Wonwoo. To be fair, the guy’s good looking. Looks like a CEO or something.

“Yeah. It’s like my hobby.”, he sees Wonwoo smile.

_So, he can still smile like that. Seungkwan thought, a faint pain in his chest surfaces._

“I know a place where we can take good pictures. It’s not really far from here. Maybe we can go there? If you have some time.”

“Sure. Thank you for the inviting me.”, again Wonwoo smiles. And Seungkwan doesn’t know what hurts more; the fact that Wonwoo is giving the kind of smile he’s given him before to other people or the reality he’s slowly ascertaining.

“It’s a date then!”, the other guy says excitedly.

Seungkwan felt his heart sinks.

“Mingyu. I have a boyfriend.”, he heard Wonwoo says.

“Oh.”

Seungkwan heard enough. Without eating his lunch, he quickly gets out of the restaurant. His eyes are getting blurry from the tears that continue to pour. He’s been crying so much lately, and he hates it.

Turning to an alley he doesn’t really know; he doesn’t care if people look at him weirdly or he gets hurt by bumping almost everyone in the street. The pain he’s feeling in his heart far hurts more. He let his feet take him to wherever.

_He saw it. The way Wonwoo hesitated. Seungkwan hopes he’s just imagining it but he never took his eyes away from Wonwoo. He saw it._

_Seungkwan is not the holder for Wonwoo’s love anymore._

He could not hold the heartbreak no longer and his knees falls on the road. He tries to wipe his tears and control his sobs, but it feels like something is tearing in his chest.

Seungkwan promised himself that whatever Wonwoo wants from him, he’ll give. And it’s clear from what he saw earlier. He knows what his soul wants.

So, he let himself cry his heart out. Tonight, they both deserve to be happy.

_I can’t let my greed get a hold of me. Because if so, I won’t let you go._

* * *

He’s the first to arrive at their home. _Not sure if he can still call it his._ Seungkwan fixed himself, making sure that there’s no trace of him crying. He prepares himself for the things that he’ll be saying to Wonwoo.

Past 10 PM when Wonwoo arrives, he greets Seungkwan who’s sitting on the couch.

The lights are dim and the room is cold. And so is the tension between.

_It’s really this bad huh? Can’t we still fix this?_

Seungkwan shakes his head. He already made up his mind. He gets up and calls Wonwoo.

“Can we now talk?”, Seungkwan starts.

“Hm. It seems like it’s a serious thing. I’m all ears.”, the older says as he sits down on the opposite side of the couch where Seungkwan is standing.

Seungkwan smiles at him. Eyes sparkly from the tears that’s threatening to fall down.

_You can’t cry Seungkwan._

“Let’s break up.”

Shock and confusion are evident on Wonwoo’s face. But he doesn’t say anything. And the younger felt a pinch in his heart so he continues.

“We’re both tired, aren’t we? This setup? It isn’t working for us anymore.”

_I’m not yet tired. I won’t get tired._

“Everyday feels like we’re just two strangers trying to cohabitate, to exist with each other. It doesn’t feel like love anymore.”

“I want us both to be happy. To be free.”

_I want you to be happy._

“I-I just want to tell you how much I’m thankful to have you in my life. Even just for a while. I don’t regret meeting. I hope you feel the same way too.”

Wonwoo looks at Seungkwan. His eyes tell everything. He’s also tired. He’s also hurting. And Seungkwan wants to hug him there and then.

“I respect your decision Seungkwan. I always do. Thank you for bringing joy to my life.”, Wonwoo finally says, now standing up and standing in front of the younger.

“Can I ask a question?”, Seungkwan asked and he didn’t wait for the taller’s response. “When? When did you fell out of love?”

Wonwoo felt his breathe hitched. His eyes finding anything else except Seungkwan eyes.

“I don’t know. I just feel like it’s not working anymore.”, he starts.

_They just keep on getting worned out. And Seungkwan couldn’t get a hold of Wonwoo._

“And it feels like the things that I’ve felt for you before was slowly fading.”, and then Wonwoo musters his courage and looks at Seungkwan. “I’m s--,”, the younger places his fingers on Wonwoo’s mouth.

_He prepared for this moment, but why does it hurt so much?_

“Shh. Please never apologize for loving me. For falling out of love. It’s neither our fault.”

Wonwoo doesn’t know how Seungkwan can manage to smile while hiding his pain. He still knows Seungkwan too well.

“Let’s forever cherish our memories together.”, Seungkwan added.

“One last hug?”, Wonwoo doesn’t need to be asked twice and he pulls Seungkwan for a hug. The warmth, the security, is still there, but love is nowhere to be found.

He heard Seungkwan’s I love you.

Wonwoo closes his eyes and says, “I loved you too.”

* * *

Seungkwan is now alone in Wonwoo’s apartment. The older let him be alone for the night. He still needs to pack his things anyway.

Now. Everything is over between them.

He hopes Wonwoo can find the happiness he deserves. Even not with him.

A sob that he wants to let out earlier finally escapes, and he covers his face with his trembling hands.

He’s the one who let Wonwoo go. _But why does it feel like he lets his life go?_

_Even when his heart is aching. Seungkwan knows he’s such a fool._

_And he lets himself be. Just for one time._


End file.
